Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
