the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize