I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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