i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize