I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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