Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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