People with herpes should wear stickers.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
soo... how was my night?
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