so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Randomize
