We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
