totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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