When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
