Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
