theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
