he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
