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12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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