i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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