youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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