T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
