Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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