Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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