lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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