Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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