He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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