If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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