Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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