Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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