dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
