I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
