I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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