mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
