Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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