Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
my liver is dry heaving
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
