its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
