I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
