My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
