i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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