My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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