Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
