im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Vodka?
Forever.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
