I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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