Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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