Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
