We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
