It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
