You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
