I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
