end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
