i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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