My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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