I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
you never un-have a 4some
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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