so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
