Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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