If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
