My sheets look like a crime scene.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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