The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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