Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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