he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
