Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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