non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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