Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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