Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
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